How to be Uncultured

You’ve spent your childhood trying to become cultured. You’ve mastered the alphabet, were taught basic etiquette, and can speak at least one language. That’s a good thing–if you want to please coastal elites and intellectual snobs. But if you choose to make the life decision to turn a blind eye to that crowd, where’s the curriculum for that? Fear not. This list of rules will help you become … uncultured.

First, compare anything new to Disneyland. Wow, historic old town? That looks kind of like … Disneyland. You know, when you first walk in, and there’s this street with shops on the sides. Did exquisite Spanish architecture catch your eye? That’s not Spanish; it’s pirate-y. It reminds you of the Pirates ride from Disneyland, and the movie that came out of that. So make that clear. You haven’t traveled the world to take in different cultures, experienced authentic Cambodian temples, or seen the world from varying heights of mountain peaks; but you have been to Disneyland. And nothing speaks, “I haven’t seen much,” more than similes exclusive to the happiest place on earth.

Compare anyone bad to Hitler. People had better stay on your good side if they want to avoid comparison to the Adolf, who, as you and they know, is very bad. Nothing like Disneyland, which intrigues you. He is the opposite, reserved only for people towards whom you feel scorn or mild annoyance. Maybe you just wanted to make a point in conversation, and couldn’t think of enough synonyms for “bad.” Hitler works. Every time.

Never read past headlines. Who cares, anyway? News stories are just longer versions of headlines, drawn out to fill a word quota. You can get all the information in the headline. Or, you could always read the article, if you have the tendency of a sheepish, globalist prick. But that’s up to you. Don’t read it. By the same coin, always judge books by their covers.

Always assume you know better than experts. There are people who have spent their careers learning about and practicing statistics, or environmental science, or medicine. It may seem reasonable to withhold drawing conclusions against these people without further research of your own. But this is a misstep. Always jump to conclusions. Especially when they conveniently align with your interests, like say, burning fossil fuels. Then, without restraint, make sure to spread your views with all your friends and create a community which agrees with you. This mass insulation will aid you in your pursuits to resist acculturation. Researchers seem to always say what are and aren’t “facts”; why can’t you?

Reject anything that, or anyone who, does not look familiar to you. There is one correct solution to 2+2: 4. Similarly, there is one correct race, nationality, political affiliation, religion, etc.: the one that’s yours. Many people are accused of having at least one major social prejudice–one -ism. But by understanding the concept of each of these, you can advance your lack of culture by taking on all the -isms. And don’t even stop there. Develop prejudices for things with which there are no associated prejudice-related words. Define your own definition of correct pastry, style of architecture, or set of standards for baby-attractiveness. The sky’s the limit, here.

Advanced: Sit down and stare at a wall all day. Or literally live under a rock. Think about it: All you need to survive are food, water, and shelter. There is no need to spend the rest of your time looking at things which might conflict with your existing beliefs. There is no better way to practice lack of culture than to never take in any information. There is the phrase, “like watching paint dry,” and its counterpart, “like watching grass grow,” used to mean, “boring.” But have you ever actually taken the time to fully observe paint dry, or grass grow? The benefits of doing so may astound you.

Never give up on your quest to become uncultured. It may be an arduous journey, transcending social-acceptance itself, much like Hitler. If you ever feel stuck between decisions, unsure of which is better suited to the definition of ‘uncultured,’ just refer to this list. Wait, refer only to the title of this list. What?